Tag Archives: motherhood

To Chrysantha on Your First Birthday

Dear Chrysantha,

I can’t believe that it’s been a whole year already. It seems like just yesterday you were being placed on my chest for the very first time. I was so in awe and so in love. I couldn’t believe that you were finally here and that you were mine. The day of your birth was one of the happiest days of my life. From that moment on, my life was no longer my own. The first 6 weeks was spent getting to know each other. You slept a lot, and woke up a lot to eat. I spent most of my days sitting on the couch holding you as you slept or feeding you. You were so tiny. You decided that you wanted to sleep on your tummy, so we put you in the pack n play in our room. You loved sleeping there! You still woke up lots at night, which was exhausting for Momma. But, through that, you taught me how to be thankful for the moments I had to spend with you. Oftentimes I would sit in the rocking chair in your room and feed you. I treasured those quiet moments when I got to be still and connect with God.

I really didn’t know that I could love someone so much. I spent almost all of my time with you. I never wanted to leave you, and you certainly didn’t want me to leave you either. But, sometimes I had to. In those moments you got to bond with Baba. You showed him how to take care of you and make you happy. You gave him an opportunity to love you and take care of you.  Thank you for cuddling with me, giving me kisses, and wanting to be close to me. I love being needed by you. It’s tiring and exhausting sometimes, but I enjoy being able to take care of you.

My favorite thing this year has been watching you grow. You have been a strong baby from the very beginning. You rolled over from your tummy to your back at 16 days old. Even though you were so little for so long, you were so strong and mighty. I loved seeing you reach each milestone and having the opportunity to help you along the way. You were scared and uncertain of these new things that you were able to do, but I encouraged you. When you rolled over, I celebrated. When you sat up for the first time and balanced yourself for a few seconds before falling over, I clapped at what a good job you did. When you pulled yourself up to standing on the couch, I cheered for you. When you got scared and couldn’t get back down again, I let you know that I was right there, and showed you how to sit down. We spent a lot of time working on falling. I had so much fun holding your hands and letting you go, so you could get used to catching yourself. Pretty soon you weren’t scared anymore. You learned how to be brave. New situations don’t scare you as much anymore. You figure out a way to change your situation to make everything okay again.

Oh my sweet girl, you fill my heart with so much joy. My heart overflows with love for you. Your smile makes me melt. Your laugh is a treasure. You are so focused and so serious a lot of the time. You quietly observe the world around you, especially when you are in new situations. You take time to be comfortable with other people and in new places. You are cautious, which is a good trait to have. This makes your smiles and your laughter so much more precious to me. I love finding ways to make you happy. I love your cheesy grin with your cute teeth showing. I call it your lizard face 🙂

I am so thankful that God chose me to be your Momma. I’m honored that I get to watch you grow into the person He is creating you to be. I love our bedtime prayer times together, where we get to pray for others and thank God for what He has done for us. I love reading you Bible stories and teaching you about Jesus.

It’s not always easy being a Mom. I have to put you before me a lot of the time. We’ve also had a lot of challenges this year with getting you to gain weight at a normal rate, helping you to sleep well, and helping you to be comfortable with other people besides me and sometimes Baba. And as you become more independent and learn to assert yourself, I have to help you make the right choices so that you can be safe. You don’t like when you can’t have what you want. But, it’s my job to teach you to be safe.

Even on the hardest days, I still love you and I will always love you. I’m certainly not perfect. I will make many mistakes. You’ve already gotten pretty good at forgiving me.

Baby girl, my little love bug, Momma loves you so much. I’m so excited to see what this next year holds for you. You are so smart and continue to amaze me at the way you see the world. I can’t wait to explore more with you and to learn with you.

Happy 1st birthday Baobeiah!

Love always and forever,



Perspective *possible trigger*

Today has been draining. Baby girl only wants to nap on me. I tried a few times to get her to sleep in her crib, but she was having none of it. I’ve been confined to the couch for the most part.  It’d be easy to complain. But I won’t. I actually don’t mind.

I know way too many people who have lost their sweet babies lately. My heart aches for them. Just 2 days ago a sweet friend that I hadn’t seen in a while and finally got to see miscarried after 17 weeks of pregnancy. When her husband vaguely posted something on Facebook, I just knew that was what had happened. And instantly I felt sorrow. It made me hold my own baby closer.

I don’t understand why people have to go through such heartache. I can’t even begin to imagine.

Even though being a mother is hard and not every day goes how I want it too. I am thankful. And I try to treasure it.

Changing World

Baby girl has become more aware of the world around her. She sees things now. She plays and looks at us. She even smiles on occasion. She can grip and hold onto things. She’s growing up and starting to become more independent.

I love watching her grow, but I’m sad. I’m starting to feel unneeded.

On a whim I decided to try having her sleep in her crib for a nap. The first day I tried 3 times to no avail. She woke up immediately after I put her down the first 2 attempts. On the 3rd attempt she woke up after 3 minutes. I tried it again the next day. I had to pat and shush her. I also had to pick her up and rock her a few times. But she eventually went to sleep and slept for 2.5 hours! My 5 week 6 day old baby took a nap not on me.

She turned 6 weeks yesterday. She again took a nap in her crib. She fell asleep pretty quickly. I was surprised. She slept for 2 hours and 20 minutes.

Last night, I put her in her crib again. She was awake but drowsy when I put her down and she fell asleep instantly. She slept for 6 hours and 10 minutes. I went in to check on her and woke her up to feed her.

I feel like she doesn’t need me. She can sleep in her crib no problem. I keep secretly hoping that it’s just a fluke. It wasn’t supposed to be so easy. She was supposed to protest more.

I know that this is just the beginning.  She’s going to keep changing, growing and becoming more independent. I just didn’t realize that it would start so early. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.


At the end of my pregnancy I was feeling like a pro. I knew how to be pregnant. I knew what to expect. I was even able to offer advice to other pregnant women who weren’t as far along as me. I felt like I was a Senior in high school.

Then my baby was born. And I felt like a Freshman. I no longer knew everything,  let alone anything. I was in new unfamiliar territory.  I felt small and insecure. I had to figure out this new world that I was in.

I admit it. I like feeling superior. I like having experience and being able to share that with others. I like knowing things. I like being the seasoned veteran. I was a preschool teacher for 8 years. By the end I felt like a pro. I knew what I was doing and how to do it.

But now I’m lost. I’m new to this whole mothering thing. I’m not a pro. I’m not an expert. Some days I feel like I’m just barely treading water. Other days I feel like I’m drowning. Some days I feel like I can swim, but not very far or for very long.

When I’m alone with my baby, I don’t really care. But when I’m out in public, I stress out. I feel like people will judge me if my baby cries. They will wonder why I can’t calm her down. They will think I’m doing things all wrong.

Now I know that this is mostly untrue. Sure, some people judge. But who cares anyways?

I am a good Momma. I love my baby something fierce. I am doing the best I can. Each day I gain more experience and figure more things out. Sometimes the baby changes things on me and that’s okay. We’re figuring each other out. We’re learning and growing together.

I can’t let my insecurities control me. So what if my baby cries a little during church. It will happen and it will be okay. I’m not a pro and I never will be. I’m coming to accept that. Motherhood is a constantly changing evolving thing. I’m just excited I get to be on this journey with my baby girl.

Reflections on the First Month of Motherhood

I can’t believe my baby girl turned a month old yesterday! It seems like time is flying by so quickly. I’m amazed at all that has happened in just such a short time. My life has changed dramatically.

There are times when it doesn’t seem real. The reality that I’m a mom and that I have a daughter has yet to fully sink in. I’m living this life, but mentally I just can’t quite comprehend it all.

Did you ever have that thing that you hoped and dreamed about for a long time and then when you got it you just couldn’t believe that it was really yours? That’s kind of how I feel. I feel like I’m living in a dream. Until 2 AM happens and I’m up nursing my baby and then she falls asleep so I try to put her down, but then she wakes up again and is hungry and repeat. Now that, that doesn’t feel like a dream. But I digress. I think part of what makes it feel like a dream is that it’s still hard to believe that I’m a mom. But also, motherhood is so different than what I expected.

I didn’t know how much I would love my baby. When she crys it makes me sad. I just want to make everything okay for her. When I’m apart from her I’m sad. I just want to hold her and snuggle her all the time. I don’t want to share her with anyone else, not even my husband. We have this special relationship that can’t be had with anyone else.

I also didn’t know how frustrated I would get. Like when she won’t latch on even though she’s clearly hungry and her body is rigid making it hard for me to help her find my breast. Or in the middle of the night when all I want to do is sleep, but she’s hungry and wants to snuggle with me. And then I get frustrated at myself for getting frustrated at her. She’s just a baby who needs her Momma. A sweet innocent precious baby.

I’ve learned a lot in a month, about her, about me, about my husband, and about God.

I used to think my daughter hated wet diapers, but it turns out that’s not true. She much rather eat when she wakes up and then have her diaper changed. She also likes being carried in the Boba wrap. It helps her to fall asleep. She likes her paci to help her fall asleep and then she spits it out and keeps sleeping. She likes car rides better now that I moved her straps up a notch. She loves it when her Baba sings to her and plays with her.

I’ve been lonely. It’s hard being by myself when my husband’s at work. I need people. I’ve always known this, but I feel it more acutely now. I also don’t know how to talk to people. It takes so much energy to have a conversation, but I need those interactions. I get stressed when the baby seems unhappy. I need to work on that. Stressing out doesn’t help anybody.

I’ve learned how incredible my husband is. He loves our daughter so much. It makes me so happy to see him with her. When he changes her diaper he’ll sing to her or play a game. I love those moments that I get to witness. And he loves me so well. He takes care of me so I can take care of baby girl. He puts up with my crankiness. He even lets me take naps while he takes care of the baby. My love for him has grown so much.

My relationship with God has changed. I don’t have that deep intimate time with Him. I’m trying to spend some time in the middle of the night reading and praying. Lately I’ve been too tired though. But, God is always there. I’m understanding more of how He loves us. A parent’s love is so different than any other kind of love.

This whole being a Mom thing is so different than what I thought. It’s so much better and so much more incredible. I don’t love it every minute, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Battle of Wills

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a battle of wills. There’s what I want and need on one side and what my daughter wants and needs on the other. Sometimes our wills match up. Unfortunately this is usually not the case in the evening and middle of the night hours. She’ll wake up and want to be changed and fed. I, on the other hand, just want to sleep. Or she’ll want to be rocked and held, but I want to go to the bathroom or eat food.
When our wills are out of sync, we’re both unhappy. She cries if her needs aren’t being met. I get cranky when I don’t get sleep.

I am totally reminded of my relationship with God. I have a battle of wills with Him sometimes. Though I don’t see it as tangibly as I do with my baby. No, it’s much more subtle. But, the outcome is the same. When I am living and moving in the will of God for my life, I have a sense of peace and contentment. But, when I ignore His will and selfishly do what I want and desire, I am left feeling empty and unhappy.

My thoughts on this are still developing and formulating. I’m sure there will be a follow-up post.

Motherhood Survival Tips for the first few weeks

There are so many things I was unprepared for. Here’s my list of things to make it through the first few weeks.

1.  Make sure you go to the bathroom every couple of hours. You may not feel the urge to go. You don’t want to get a UTI.

2. When packing the diaper bag, include pads for yourself. I totally forgot about me.

3. Babies cry. I know this is obvious, but sometimes you feel like you did everything and they still cry. Oh, and just because you just changed the diaper that doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be changed again 2 minutes later.

4. Know that you will be exhausted and emotional and that’s okay.  Ask for and accept help from your spouse, family, friends, etc.

5. You may feel like a cow or a 24/7 vending machine. Babies eat a lot, sometimes what seems like nonstop. This is completely normal. Enjoy the time to bond with and love on your baby.

6. Doctors and nurses have their own views on things, so do friends, family and complete strangers. Learn to smile and nod. Listen to your gut and do what is right for you and baby.

7. Just say no to Mommy guilt. If you are feeding, changing and loving on your baby then you are doing just fine.

8. Take a break. Take a few minutes or more to get away. This does not make you a bad person. Everyone needs a mental, physical, and emotional break.

9. Sleep when the baby sleeps as much as you can. This is so hard to do. You never know what night the baby will be up every hour wanting to eat.

10. Babywearing is good for you and baby. It enables you to get a break from holding the baby, but still gives the baby the closeness she desires and needs.

11. Enjoy every minute. Babies grow and change quickly. (But it’s okay if you don’t enjoy it all. Late night feedings and diaper changes are hard.)

12. Let go of control. You no longer have any. The baby determines when you eat, sleep, and go anywhere. Some days you may get nothing done.

13. Eat food. It’s so hard to find time to do anything. You may have to eat while nursing. Remember your health is important for the baby’s health.

14. Drink lots of liquids, especially water. Don’t be surprised if you’re constantly thirsty.

15. Be real with yourself and others about how you’re feeling.

16. A Boppy (or other nursing pillow) is a life-saver (and back, neck and arm saver).

17. What you thought you would do and what you actually do can be two very different things.

18. Each day is a new one. Take things moment by moment.

19. Try not to stress about the small or big things.

20. Lanolin and gel pads are nipple savers. Use them often and don’t be lazy about correcting an improper latch.

21. Take time to burp the baby. When you’re exhausted you may just want to let the baby sleep when she’s done eating. Burping will make them more comfortable though.

22. Babies have short sleep cycles and will often rouse. Wait a few minutes to see if they go back to sleep. They may awaken, cry a little and go right back to sleep. My baby is upset if I pick her up when she is rousing.

23. Baby skin is sensitive. Many scratches and red bumps may appear along with patches of dry skin. This is all very normal. If the bumps don’t go away after a few days, then it might be good to check with the doctor.

24. Book lights! Put them where you change and feed the baby. So much better than turning on a lamp or the bedroom light.

25. Snacks. Those middle of the night feedings make you hungry. I like to keep some protein bars on the nightstand.

26. Make a game out of things. I like to play “Get the Boobie” with my daughter. It keeps me from getting frustrated when she is clearly hungry but won’t latch on.

27. Kellymom.com is a great resource for all things breastfeeding related.

28. Enjoy the adventure.