Category Archives: Grief

Eternity

I finally get it. This life, this world, it’s not the end. It’s not what I should be living for. I have nothing to fear and nothing to lose. When I die, and I will die someday, it won’t be the end. I have eternity to look forward to. Someday I will meet my Savior face to face. The things of this world will pass away. I will have forever to be with God. And those who go before me and go after me, I will get to see them again if they have placed their hope and trust in Jesus. I don’t have to make the most of this life as if this is all I have. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t value the time I have. Of course I should enjoy the life I have been given. I should love others, point them to Jesus, and follow God’s leading in my life. There’s so much more to life than what I’ve been living. I don’t have to live in fear or worry. So, what if today is my last day? I have Peace that God will take care of my family. What if Yusheng passes before me, I have the knowledge that I will see him again. Of course I will miss those who go before me, of course my heart will ache. But I have hope, joy, and peace. It’s not the END! I will get to see them again. I feel like I can live life more fully now. I can boldly follow God wherever He calls me.

Karlee

(This isn’t going to be polished…just reflecting and thinking out loud.)

It’s been a week since I got the news. I still don’t believe it at times. It makes no sense. How could someone so seemingly healthy and full of life just be gone in a matter of moments? But yet, I know that I don’t need to or get to understand. I know that she is in heaven. She put her faith and trust in God. She followed Jesus. Karlee became a Jesus follower 7 or so years ago. She pursued Him with everything. She was on the fast track. She was serious about getting to know God. Her life was radically changed. Because of how she lived, the way she changed, what God did in and through her, others saw Jesus in her. Because of the life she lived others can have life. God chose her. He called her His own. And He is using her death to ignite conversations, to change lives, to bring others into a relationship with Him. And that is exactly what Karlee would want. Because of how she chose to live, others get to have eternal life. Because God sacrificed His son Jesus, and Jesus conquered death and rose again, everyone who believes in Him will be saved. That is our hope. Death is not the end. Death has no power over us. We get to pass from this earthly life into heaven. A place of no more pain, sorrow, tears or suffering. A place where we get to see Jesus face to face.

Am I sad still? Of course. I miss my friend.

I feel

like I took our friendship for granted. She played such a huge role in my life. She helped me to be a better wife, mother, friend, and follower of Jesus.

Her life and death will have a lasting impact on me.

I am going to choose to live better. To enjoy the people in my life, to love them better. I want to pursue God more, to deepen my relationship with Him, to be transformed.

I am not going to stay the same. I want to live a life worth living.

Thank you Karlee for being such a loving friend and example. I love you and miss you. I look forward to seeing you again in heaven!

Grief

I’m finally allowing myself to grieve. October 1st is quickly approaching. On that day it will be 14 years since my dad passed away.

With each new life change comes grief and altering of expectations. Growing up I didn’t picture having children that didn’t know my dad.

When baby girl was born, there was a sadness in the back of my mind. But, I didn’t allow myself to really feel it. And I’ve been ignoring it ever since.

But, today I allowed myself to grieve.  To grieve the life I thought I would have, to grieve the life I pictured for my children.

I think part of why I didn’t allow myself to grieve was because I had this idea that I was supposed to be happy. Having a baby is a joyous occasion. And it was. It was the most joyful experience of my life. There is nothing else that compares.

There are moments when I look at baby girl and I’m sad for her and me. I miss my Daddy. I just want a big bear hug (he was a pro at them) from him. I want her to experience his love like I got to.

So, today, I allow myself to feel the feelings I’ve been pushing away.