I’m finally allowing myself to grieve. October 1st is quickly approaching. On that day it will be 14 years since my dad passed away.

With each new life change comes grief and altering of expectations. Growing up I didn’t picture having children that didn’t know my dad.

When baby girl was born, there was a sadness in the back of my mind. But, I didn’t allow myself to really feel it. And I’ve been ignoring it ever since.

But, today I allowed myself to grieve.  To grieve the life I thought I would have, to grieve the life I pictured for my children.

I think part of why I didn’t allow myself to grieve was because I had this idea that I was supposed to be happy. Having a baby is a joyous occasion. And it was. It was the most joyful experience of my life. There is nothing else that compares.

There are moments when I look at baby girl and I’m sad for her and me. I miss my Daddy. I just want a big bear hug (he was a pro at them) from him. I want her to experience his love like I got to.

So, today, I allow myself to feel the feelings I’ve been pushing away.