Unexpected Sadness of an Old Life Gone

Last night was Back to School Night at the school where I was a Preschool teacher for 8 years. I got really sad thinking about how I didn’t get to be a part of it.

I’d been longing for the day for so long that I’d get to stay home and have babies. I am so thankful and so blessed that I get to stay home with my sweet baby.

But, there’s a part of me that hasn’t yet processed through all that means. The beginning of the new school year was always so exciting and nerve-wracking. There was so much anticipation. It was fun to meet the new students and their families. Each child had so much potential waiting to be unlocked.

It’s hard to move on from something that was such a big part of my life for so long.

I’m sad and happy all at the same time.

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Perspective *possible trigger*

Today has been draining. Baby girl only wants to nap on me. I tried a few times to get her to sleep in her crib, but she was having none of it. I’ve been confined to the couch for the most part.  It’d be easy to complain. But I won’t. I actually don’t mind.

I know way too many people who have lost their sweet babies lately. My heart aches for them. Just 2 days ago a sweet friend that I hadn’t seen in a while and finally got to see miscarried after 17 weeks of pregnancy. When her husband vaguely posted something on Facebook, I just knew that was what had happened. And instantly I felt sorrow. It made me hold my own baby closer.

I don’t understand why people have to go through such heartache. I can’t even begin to imagine.

Even though being a mother is hard and not every day goes how I want it too. I am thankful. And I try to treasure it.

Waning and Waxing Confidence

So, things have been going pretty great lately. Baby girl’s schedule has been more predictable. She started having a consistent bedtime. She’s had longer stretches of sleep. She takes naps in her crib. She finally likes car rides (after buying her a new carseat).

I’ve been feeling good. More confident. More at ease. I have more time to do things because I know that when she falls asleep for a nap she will stay asleep for at least an hour and up to 2.5 hours or so (though I may have to go help her go back to sleep a few times). I have become more attuned to her needs. I recognize when she’s tired, when she wants to play, when she’s hungry, etc.

I thought I was getting this whole taking care of baby thing down pat. But then days like today happen. It started off fine. But after her late morning nap she would not eat. She just cried and cried. I tried different positions. I did everything I could think of. Nothing worked. So, finally I thawed some breastmilk and had Yusheng give her a bottle. I even called the pediatric advice line. She just didn’t seem like herself. But, the kind nurse assured me that all was well. Being fussy like that is common at her age.

It’s so hard to see your baby cry. I just want to fix whatever is wrong. But, sometimes there is nothing that I can do. I know that this will be true later in her life also. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

I cried some. And felt like a failure. I know I’m not. I know that I love her and that I am taking good care of her.

I’m going to try to not let today get me down. She’s fine now and happily napping in her crib. Some days will be easy and some days will be hard. It’s all worth it though. I love my sweet baby girl more than I could have ever imagined.

Changing World

Baby girl has become more aware of the world around her. She sees things now. She plays and looks at us. She even smiles on occasion. She can grip and hold onto things. She’s growing up and starting to become more independent.

I love watching her grow, but I’m sad. I’m starting to feel unneeded.

On a whim I decided to try having her sleep in her crib for a nap. The first day I tried 3 times to no avail. She woke up immediately after I put her down the first 2 attempts. On the 3rd attempt she woke up after 3 minutes. I tried it again the next day. I had to pat and shush her. I also had to pick her up and rock her a few times. But she eventually went to sleep and slept for 2.5 hours! My 5 week 6 day old baby took a nap not on me.

She turned 6 weeks yesterday. She again took a nap in her crib. She fell asleep pretty quickly. I was surprised. She slept for 2 hours and 20 minutes.

Last night, I put her in her crib again. She was awake but drowsy when I put her down and she fell asleep instantly. She slept for 6 hours and 10 minutes. I went in to check on her and woke her up to feed her.

I feel like she doesn’t need me. She can sleep in her crib no problem. I keep secretly hoping that it’s just a fluke. It wasn’t supposed to be so easy. She was supposed to protest more.

I know that this is just the beginning.  She’s going to keep changing, growing and becoming more independent. I just didn’t realize that it would start so early. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.