Reflections on the First Month of Motherhood

I can’t believe my baby girl turned a month old yesterday! It seems like time is flying by so quickly. I’m amazed at all that has happened in just such a short time. My life has changed dramatically.

There are times when it doesn’t seem real. The reality that I’m a mom and that I have a daughter has yet to fully sink in. I’m living this life, but mentally I just can’t quite comprehend it all.

Did you ever have that thing that you hoped and dreamed about for a long time and then when you got it you just couldn’t believe that it was really yours? That’s kind of how I feel. I feel like I’m living in a dream. Until 2 AM happens and I’m up nursing my baby and then she falls asleep so I try to put her down, but then she wakes up again and is hungry and repeat. Now that, that doesn’t feel like a dream. But I digress. I think part of what makes it feel like a dream is that it’s still hard to believe that I’m a mom. But also, motherhood is so different than what I expected.

I didn’t know how much I would love my baby. When she crys it makes me sad. I just want to make everything okay for her. When I’m apart from her I’m sad. I just want to hold her and snuggle her all the time. I don’t want to share her with anyone else, not even my husband. We have this special relationship that can’t be had with anyone else.

I also didn’t know how frustrated I would get. Like when she won’t latch on even though she’s clearly hungry and her body is rigid making it hard for me to help her find my breast. Or in the middle of the night when all I want to do is sleep, but she’s hungry and wants to snuggle with me. And then I get frustrated at myself for getting frustrated at her. She’s just a baby who needs her Momma. A sweet innocent precious baby.

I’ve learned a lot in a month, about her, about me, about my husband, and about God.

I used to think my daughter hated wet diapers, but it turns out that’s not true. She much rather eat when she wakes up and then have her diaper changed. She also likes being carried in the Boba wrap. It helps her to fall asleep. She likes her paci to help her fall asleep and then she spits it out and keeps sleeping. She likes car rides better now that I moved her straps up a notch. She loves it when her Baba sings to her and plays with her.

I’ve been lonely. It’s hard being by myself when my husband’s at work. I need people. I’ve always known this, but I feel it more acutely now. I also don’t know how to talk to people. It takes so much energy to have a conversation, but I need those interactions. I get stressed when the baby seems unhappy. I need to work on that. Stressing out doesn’t help anybody.

I’ve learned how incredible my husband is. He loves our daughter so much. It makes me so happy to see him with her. When he changes her diaper he’ll sing to her or play a game. I love those moments that I get to witness. And he loves me so well. He takes care of me so I can take care of baby girl. He puts up with my crankiness. He even lets me take naps while he takes care of the baby. My love for him has grown so much.

My relationship with God has changed. I don’t have that deep intimate time with Him. I’m trying to spend some time in the middle of the night reading and praying. Lately I’ve been too tired though. But, God is always there. I’m understanding more of how He loves us. A parent’s love is so different than any other kind of love.

This whole being a Mom thing is so different than what I thought. It’s so much better and so much more incredible. I don’t love it every minute, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.